You ever just wake up one night after an impromptu nap, and get hit with the sudden revelation that you’re lost? And then you realize that you’re not just lost – you’re really fucking lost, and you only have a small inkling of how long you’ve been lost and no inkling whatsoever of how to find yourself again? Plot twist: I’m describing myself. It’s okay. We’re all lost here.
I’m 31. My 30s have been glorious. I mean, honestly, I feel amazing and have never felt so good about myself in my life. But with my 30s also comes the sinking realization that yes, I am indeed an adult expected to do everything on my own, and yes, I am indeed aging like everyone else. This means I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, and I’m running out of time to figure it out. I’m Nyla. I’m 31, a mother of one, and well… I’m fucking lost.
Dread. Anxiety. Despair. Fear. Those were the feelings that racked my body when I swallowed that dose of reality. Then the overwhelming sorrow kicked in. Sorrow as I thought about all the dumb things I did and continue to do that are ruining my life. I tell you, folks – I wanted to give up right then and there. But then I remembered something: where I came from, and where I’m going.
I can not even begin to give you all the details about the horrors of my past. One thing is very clear to me, however: I may not know where the hell I stand in my life right now, but I know it’s far away from that. I look around me, and my life today is nothing like it was 11 years ago. It’s obviously been a very slow process, but gotdangit I’m here. Those facts alone give me something to be happy about.
I don’t know where I’m going. I’ll admit it to you. I know I have plans, and I know life often goes in a completely different direction than what’s been planned. I don’t know if a choice I make today will become a mistake I regret later. All I can do is try my best. I don’t know what I’ll gain or lose. But things are things. They can always be gotten back. I don’t know if I’ll ever find everything that I’m looking for – if I’ll ever achieve my definition of success. But I do know GOD is with me, and He has plans for my life that will work even when my plan doesn’t. I can live in peace and die happy knowing that.
Here’s to being lost.