About a month ago, after reading rave reviews about how it was the best dating site ever, I signed up for OkCupid. Yes, I went there. Sue me. Between being a mom, my 9-5 and my after-work grind to conquer the world, I rarely have ‘spare’ time for anything – especially dating. When I do have a spare moment, I prefer to spend it drinking and sleeping. (That sounded more pathetic than it is IRL, promise) On my 30th birthday, I told myself that unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life #foreveralone, I needed to get out there and find me a man. Hello, OkCupid.
I signed up for OkCupid and immediately fell in love – with the app of course. I’ve tried Match, eHarmony and sadly, Plenty of Fish in the past, and OkCupid’s matchmaking system is by far my favorite. Since this isn’t a dating app review, I’ll spare you the details. But I liked that I could ‘speed date’. I could swipe right on guys I thought were cute, save a list of all of my swipes, and then check out their profiles to see how compatible we were. I met a lot of quality guys there… until I met Johnny.
Now, I should say Johnny isn’t his real name. But I call him that because with his long, raven black hair, olive skin, and intense chocolate eyes, he reminds me of a young Johnny Depp – whom everyone who’s anyone knows Depp is my celebrity crush and imaginary husband.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate Johnny Depp being fine AF.
After my signature thirsty hello that went something like, “Hey. You look like Johnny Depp. I’m Nyla,” (Reallllll smooth. I know) Johnny and I seemed to hit it off pretty quickly. Our compatibility was over 90%, we shared virtually all of the same critical ideals, and he could string two words together to make a sentence. Did I mention, he was fine af? But then, things got… weird.
Every time Johnny messaged me, his messages began to make less and less sense. He seemed to be writing poetry, and I pictured him typing thinking how cool his words sounded in his head. Okay, he likes to be ‘deep’, I thought to myself. Nbd. But what was once considered to be an unimpressive attempt to impress me (I was already impressed. It wasn’t necessary) that was easily overlooked, quickly became really annoying. I found myself reading his messages and thinking, can he talk to me like a normal person orrr…? But the fact that he was so stinking cute and our compatibility was off the charts, I ignored it some more and hoped for the best. Queue the moment where it all went left.
After following each other on instagram, Johnny pm’d me one morning to say he’d slid in my dms and was hoping he could live there. I told him welcome and I’ve amended the lease. Haha. We so funnnnnny. That was the last time I laughed. Johnny proceeded to tell me he was impressed with my profile and began asking questions about my goals and my business. To make a long story short, this conversation somehow ended up with us arguing about the meaning of having a business, gambling, tomatoes, potatoes, and the difference between a slipper and a shoe. Yes, really. After about the 15th message, I stared at my phone and asked myself what the hell I was doing. Johnny and I hadn’t even gone on a date yet, and our first in depth conversation was a debate/argument about the most ridiculous things ever. I looked up at the ceiling, gave myself a resounding nope, then unfollowed and unliked Johnny.
Fake Johnny if you’re reading this, try not to argue with a girl before the first date, ok?
The real Johnny Depp would never do this to me.